As a college success coach, I work with students throughout their undergraduate journey to navigate challenges, take advantage of opportunities, and maximize experiences. Ideally, students become self-regulated learners who optimize their return on investment. While varying levels of academic achievement are likely necessary depending on a student’s goals and aspirations, grades in and of themselves are not a huge point of emphasis in my work with most students. Rather, I find that focusing on each student’s motivations, interests, intentions, and habits; as well as emphasizing effort, development, accountability, and fulfillment results in a more impactful, motivating, and sustainable approach than fixating on grades and other narrow, often arbitrary or stereotypical measures of “success”. And, I have consistently found that by doing so, most of my students perform up to or beyond their potential (and earn grades ranging from above average to very high).
As college students (students of any age, really!) embark on a new semester, I encourage more intentionality about the types of conversations we have with them . If you find yourself asking questions primarily about results and accomplishments, or engaged in discussions predominately about grades and achievements, consider trying to shift the conversation to be more holistic (one focused on your student’s thoughts, feelings, decision-making, ideas, and effort). Ask questions and encourage discussions about your student’s interests, development, connections (and feelings of belonging), and well-being. By doing so you will reinforce that your student’s self-worth is not about accomplishments, that you value their overall experience, how they feel about it, what they want to change and achieve; and you will demonstrate that you genuinely want them to grow and thrive! Not surprising, there tends to be a pretty strong correlation between students who are thriving and performance. And, for those of you who “just want to know” your student’s grades, I suspect that even if it’s not the point of emphasis in your conversations, by engaging in more holistic discussions you will still get a really good sense about their performance (and, perhaps even specific grades or results).
The Pressure of “Success”
The word “success” is often heavily laden with societal expectations. In the context of education, particularly college, we frequently encounter narratives that equate success with a specific set of outcomes: a high GPA, enrollment at an elite (i.e., “highly-rejective) institution, prestigious internships, or a career interest in an industry leading to high-paying positions. This narrow definition of success often creates immense pressure on students, causing them to balk at trying new things or taking risks, or driving them to prioritize external validation and achievements above their own motivations, passions, and well-being.
I have witnessed firsthand the detrimental effects of this pressure on too many students. At minimum, these students arrive at the end of their college experience feeling ambivalent and unsure or unenthusiastic about their future. Others express regret about forgoing certain opportunities because they were so focused on getting the highest possible GPA or were being so strategic with their extracurricular activities and internships that they missed out on doing what really interested them. Too many have shared that “not wanting to disappoint parents” drove most of their decisions. Unfortunately for some students, the constant pursuit of society’s defined markers of success can lead to overwhelming anxiety, chronic stress, disengagement and potentially, burnout. Students may find themselves sacrificing their mental and physical health, neglecting their interests, and compromising their academic integrity in an attempt to meet such arbitrary expectations. Moreover, this relentless focus on external validation can distort a student’s understanding of their own interests, values, and ultimately, their sense of self-worth. They may feel inadequate if they don’t meet these perceived standards, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and even depression.
The Role of Fulfillment in Success
I strongly encourage trying to shift the paradigm and starting including (perhaps even emphasizing), fulfillment as an important and necessary component of success. It demonstrates that we value growth, development and joy as much as achievement. It conveys that we understand and are invested in the highly personal, internal experiences of individuals. It emphasizes our genuine interest in the totality of a student’s college journey.
Instead of focusing on the external markers of success, asking questions related to a student’s experiences, relationships, and self-assessment conveys investment in them as a whole person. It demonstrates that they are loved, worthy, and valued regardless of their grades or accomplishments. Conversations about success that include fulfillment are centered around how the student is changed by and feels about their journey – it focuses on their achievements in a broader context, including their sense of purpose, personal and intellectual growth, responsibility, and overall well-being.
Thinking more broadly about the definition and components of success, and emphasizing it is about more than achievements, can greatly alter a student’s experience. For many, college is a transformational time and focusing on fulfillment as an important piece of success can positively influence their education. Thinking about the growth and development you see in your student in the following areas, and focusing conversations on these aspects of their college experience can assist them in having a more holistic concept of success.
- Develop new skills and perspectives: This includes critical thinking, problem-solving, communication, and the ability to navigate complex challenges. It also encompasses the development of personal qualities such as resilience, adaptability, and self-awareness.
- Gain a deeper understanding of themselves: College provides an opportunity for students to explore their interests, values, and passions. It allows them to discover who they are, what they believe in, and what they want to achieve in life.
- Build meaningful connections: Strong relationships with professors, peers, and mentors can enrich the college experience and provide valuable support and guidance. Engaging in extracurricular activities, joining clubs, and participating in campus life can foster a sense of belonging and community.
- Prioritize their well-being: College can be a demanding time, and it’s crucial for students to prioritize their mental, physical, and emotional health. This includes getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food, engaging in regular physical activity, and seeking support when beneficial.
By focusing on and asking questions about these highly personal and internal aspects of your student’s college journey, you demonstrate investment in things beyond measurable outcomes, and conveys unconditional love and acceptance. Also, you will help them cultivate a deeper sense of purpose and self-efficacy, find greater meaning in their education, and ultimately create a more fulfilling and rewarding college experience. Not surprisingly, this often also results in greater achievement and “success.” 😉
Tips for Parents
- Active Listening: Truly listen to your student’s experiences without judgment or immediate advice. Try to understand things from your student’s perspective.
- Emphasize Effort and Development: Celebrate their effort, dedication, resilience, and personal growth. It’s ok to hold them accountable.
- Encourage Self-Reflection: Ask open-ended questions that prompt introspection and deeper understanding. Help them develop personal responsibility.
- Focus on Well-being: Prioritize their physical and mental health. Encourage them to engage in activities they enjoy and to seek support when needed.
- Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms and Importance of Joy and Fulfillment: Share your own experiences with challenges and setbacks. Offer up how you navigated them and dealt with disappointment. Talk about when, where and how you experience joy and how fulfillment is important to you in your own life and success.
As we look to a semester, it is important to remember that college provides unique opportunities for significant self-discovery. Unfortunately, rather than emphasizing growth and development, too often the focus is on arbitrary, external measurements of success. This narrow, achievement-oriented focus often creates ambivalence and undue pressure. It can lead to anxiety, burnout, and a distorted sense of self-worth. Shifting the conversations we have with students and making sure that fulfillment is a key component of success will reinforce that your student’s self-worth extends far beyond grades and achievements, and will demonstrate that your primary concern is their well-being and development. Not surprising, when students take responsibility for their own education, and prioritize personal growth, authentic connections, and a deeper understanding of themselves they are more likely to be “at their best.” As a result they will be better positioned to perform up to their potential and have a meaningful, positive college experience…now, I’d call that success!
About
Beth A. Howland is a higher education consultant and college student success coach based in Ithaca, NY. She is the founder of College Navigators, LLC. Check out all of Beth’s previous posts about college student success.
