Supporting Your College Student: Struggle as a Path to Growth

College life can be challenging, and it’s natural for students to experience struggles. However, not all struggles are inherently negative—they can promote resilience, independence, and personal growth. This post, which is based off of an upcoming presentation and handout, offers insights into the complexities of when a college student struggles, as well as strategies for families to effectively support and empower their students during tough times.

NOTE: It’s always important to distinguish between productive struggle and overwhelming struggle. This post focuses largely on struggles where your student continues to effectively manage their day to day responsibilities and when their overall health and well-being is good. You know your “kid,” and if their struggle is interfering with their safety, significantly impacting their well-being, or they are completely overwhelmed a different, more intrusive approach is likely necessary.

Healthy Struggle: A Path to Growth

No one will argue that it is painful to see someone we love struggle and it is completely natural to want to “fix” and make things better as quickly as possible for your child. We know too, however, that struggling isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, it’s often key to learning, growth, and development. When students learn to effectively manage hard things build resilience, confidence, and self-efficacy…and can approach the next “hard thing” with a different mindset.

It’s worth noting that a struggle may not always be what it seems. Students may express challenges in one area—academic, emotional, social, or physical for example—but the root cause may reside elsewhere. For example, academic difficulties may be a result of emotional issues, or social struggles might arise from being stressed about academics. Be mindful that struggles may manifest in one area, but are the result of a challenge or imbalance in a different area. Furthermore, struggles can have complex, overlapping presentations and causes.

One important, related thing to remember: research shows that students are more likely to thrive when they feel competent, connected, and in control. Keep these in mind as you listen to your student talk about their struggles. Students are likely to identify a specific area of struggle (e.g., academics, social, personal, emotional, etc.) but often the underlying reason stems from the student lacking one of these critical aspects of thriving.

Tips for Supporting Your Student

Tip 1: Know the Resources

• Familiarize yourself with your student’s college resources—check out family portals/websites, counseling services, student life offices, and academic supports so that if/when your students asks, you are prepared.
• Be cautious about social media groups (e.g., “parent Facebook groups”)— advice can be based on one person’s experience, contain misinformation, or spread negativity.

Tip 2: Be Self-Aware

• Be aware of and monitor your own emotions and manage them independently of supporting your student.
• Resist the urge to fix everything or to make sure things get better immediately.
• Be aware that frequent contact with your student may amplify your student’s ups and downs and interfere with their ability to problem-solve; consider stepping back.
• Use phone/Zoom calls instead of extended text conversations during difficult times to reduce being reactive and the sense of urgency.

Tip 3: Let Your Student Lead

• Coach rather than fix—ask questions and listen, and offer to brainstorm solutions together.
• Encourage them to develop problem-solving skills and make independent decisions.
• Step in only if they are in distress or struggling to function on a day-to-day basis.

Tip 4: Empower Your Student by Asking Thoughtful Questions

Ask open-ended, questions that help your student reflect, understand the problem, and develop solutions.

• What have you been doing or what have you tried?
• What’s working and what’s not?
• How do your day to day decisions align with your goals and well-being or impact your struggle?
• What do you enjoy about your day-to-day experience? What would you like to change?
• What’s one thing you can do today to feel more in control?
• What support would be helpful?

Tip 5: Remind Your Student of Key Things

• Remind them that you are available, care about, and love them unconditionally.
• Make sure that they understand that being independent does NOT mean handling everything themselves.
• Give them permission to struggle, challenge themselves, “fail”
• Remind them that “failing” “mistakes” “struggles”, and “setbacks” are fundamental to developing and learning.

Ultimately, ask yourself…is the conversation helping and empowering them?  If not, change the questions you are asking and change the direction of the conversation.  

Addressing Specific Areas of Challenge

Social Struggles

• Resist perpetuating the belief that “these are the best year’s of your life.”
• Encourage them to engage in activities outside academics—clubs, sports, volunteering, or hobbies.
• Suggest getting out of their room, minimizing time on social media to avoid FOMO and “doom scrolling”, and to build real-world connections.
• Support introverted students by helping them find ways to connect authentically, such as sharing a meal, attending office hours, or participating in small group events.

Academic Struggles

• Instead of focusing on grades, outcomes, or performance ask about behaviors, decisions, effort, help seeking behaviors that impact their learning.
• Encourage your student to treat school like a job—use planners, stay organized, and learn new study habits.
• Promote office hours and faculty interactions—great learning happens outside the classroom.
• If necessary, explore accommodations or evaluations for learning differences.

Emotional Struggles

• Emotional challenges can stem from various areas—check on sleep, exercise, eating habits, and mental health routines.
• Talk with them about defragging their brain and not using social media, gaming or other forms of tech to relax
• Encourage healthy coping methods: mindfulness, journaling, talking with friends, or spending time outdoors.
• Remind your student it’s okay to ask for professional help or take breaks from academics if needed.

Final Thoughts: Normalize Struggle and Empower Growth

Struggles, setbacks, and even failures are part of the learning process. They provide great opportunities to grow. As long as they are not in distress, encourage your student to embrace these moments. Guide them rather than try to fix things, let them know they are not alone and ask questions to help them develop problem-solving skills. Empower them to take ownership for their experience and to use resources and support.

Remind them that you care about them, love them unconditionally, and are always available to help. By balancing guidance with independence, families can empower students to navigate their college experience, including various struggles, with increased confidence and resilience.

About

Beth A. Howland is a higher education consultant and college student success coach based in Ithaca, NY. She is the founder of College Navigators, LLC. Check out all of Beth’s previous posts about college student success.